After College Stabbing, We Need Knife Control! For the Children!

The Cy-Fair campus of Lone Star College in Texas was terrorized yesterday by a lone knifeman who went on a stabbing spree, knifing 14 students in the bloody process, all of whom, as of this writing, survived.

Radical right-wingers will probably spend the next three weeks trying to convince the rest of America that knives are not the problem in this country, but that the problem is actually some hocus-pocus about “evil” being in the hearts of certain individuals, and that it’s these individuals that need paying attention to rather than the knives themselves.

Republicans will probably talk about how it’s not law-abiding knife-wielders we need to worry about, but the criminals who would use knives for criminal purposes.

Baloney! The 21-year-old Stabby McStabberson was probably a right-winger himself, and he certainly was no criminal! He was a student, for Buddha’s sake! He followed the noble Democratic guideline of getting lobotomi—er, I mean, getting educated at a fine institute of higher learning. How can he be a criminal? Just because he broke multiple laws and attempted to murder the student body does not make him a criminal. Law-abiding citizens go through phases like that too!

Sorry, conservatards, but his man was no criminal, just misunderstood. He did dress all in black, but scrutinizing the mental stability of everybody wearing all black would be tantamount to racial profiling. And behavioral profiling is racist, too, so don’t get any ideas. Besides, when you ignore the stab-a-thon, he certainly didn’t give any behavioral indications of being psychotic.

The type of knife used by the stabber has not yet been exactly determined, but it was of the caliber of those used for dissections. An assault knife, quite simply.

I call on all Democrats—nay, all America-loving patriots who don’t want our children to die—to enact strict knife-control policies. Since we can’t be so insensitive as to dare notice the obvious signs of insanity in only some people, we must strip the rights of all people. It’s for our own protection. We can’t trust ourselves with assault knives, which, for the purposes of our agenda, will be defined simply as any cutting utensil that looks meaner than a butter knife. And when the black market for knives inevitably rises up so that only criminals will have knives, we can cross that bridge when we get to it. We’re Democrats, for crying out loud; we don’t worry about things like foresight!



Posted in Email Featured, Gun Control, Liberalism, Media, Second Amendment Tagged with: , , ,

    Everybody will have to eat hamburger. We won’t be able to cut our meat.


    I can remember when I was given a pocket knife by my grandfather, I was about 10 years old. I used to watch this man whittle, it was among his many talents, he was a artist and never thought a thing about it, he was a fishing fanatic and I learned fly fishing from him and I still enjoy carrying my pocket knife although the original has been misplaced and I still love fly fishing. Irreplaceable gifts.
    I carried that pocket knife with me everywhere, the schools in those days saw them as I did, a tool not a threat as they do now. I told my grand kids the knives I gave them are for fishing and whittling, nothing more and to keep them at home or to take fishing, they know gun safety and how to respect others who do not share their thinking, most are now college grads and like their mom’s and dad’s they will become adults willing to work hard at what they do best and teach the love and respect that was given to them.
    Looks like the airlines are going to lighten up a bit and I can again carry my personal old pocket knife aboard instead of checking it…I wonder if they realize we aren’t all nutcases…

  • AppraisHer

    Liberal Solution To Knives: Ban animals we used for food, ban the knives to cut the food, get rid of humans that use the knives to eat the food they need to live. Hence, carnivore humans are bad and must be starved from society. Vegans are good, they can stay and save the world.
    Liberal Three-fer: banning knives agenda gets rid of meat eating humans. EPA’s happy to get rid of all humans, because they pollute. One World Order Agenda cuts the population by more than 50%.
    While this sounds crazy to thinking people, this is how the emotion-only, liberal mind works…knives keep bad people alive.

  • Bob

    The trouble I have with “tongue in cheek” stories like this is that there actually are some people that are so stupid as to believe this at face value.

  • chuckie2u

    Next the Politicians will want to ban Sling Shots.. I sure hope some Loonie won’t attack folks with a Baseball Bat. Then Baseball will be outlawed.

  • Randy Phillips

    The author of this article is such an idiot, he shouldn’t be allowed in public without an escort. This article sounds exactly like ones against guns, just substituting the word knife. The article never gets at the problem of the person being evil. The author actually tries make a defense for the attacker and accuses the knife for being the problem. I can guarantee you that I have knives that have never sliced the first person, unless I make a careless mistake and cut myself. I use mine for a tool to cut things and sometimes lightly pry something. Knives aren’t pry bars, so you use them for that purpose with a certain amount of common sense.
    Any object used for the purpose of attacking or killing another is an assault weapon. Banning guns will only make society as a whole more violent as more primitive weapons will be used to carry out the attacks, unless evil doers use bombs or gases to kill masses of people. The stupidity of having a background check for the purpose of buying a knife will only mean there will be one for purchasing a baseball bat, like in England before long. It just seems that this idiots want to blame any kind of object for taking over the mind of a perfectly normal person and making them into a killer. For some reason these people have a real problem grasping the idea that there are EVIL PEOPLE that walk among us. Whether they are killing people for attention or fame, the thrill of killing, or they have an axe to grind, it doesn’t matter; these people are not going to be deprived from the evil they want to inflict on others. It just seems that Liberals have a real problem facing reality. Maybe the guy that did the stabbings was a liberal himself and they were just trying to find a way to defend one of their own.

    • Ben Voigt

      Have you ever heard of sarcasm? The fact that the argument is (a) self-evidently ridiculous and (b) sounds exactly like the one against guns is meant to be an illustration of how ridiculous the argument against guns truly is.

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