President Obama (laughing): …so I said to the guy, “Hey, don’t blame me. Why don’t you ask George Bush what that smell is!”
Vice President Biden (boisterous): Good one, sir, that makes my sides literally split!
Obama: I’m a pretty funny guy, Joe.
Biden: And y’know, for a black guy, you certainly are bright and articulate!
Obama: I know. I wrote two books about myself to prove it.
Biden: Clean, too!
Obama: Thanks, Joe. It’s a helluva body scrub I use.
[Two nameless officials burst into Oval Office]
Official #1: Mr. President, we need to talk about al Qaeda.
Biden: Osama bin Laden is dead!
Obama (to Biden): Thanks, Joe, but I got this. (To Official #1): GM is alive.
Official #2: Actually, sir, they still owe us 18 billion dollars, and Detroit, GM’s manufacturing headquarters, filed for bankruptcy two weeks ago.
Obama: Damn shame what Bush did to that city, isn’t it?
Official #1: Quite right, sir, but we really must talk about al Qaeda.
Biden: Osama bin Laden is dead!
Obama: Can somebody find some Hot Wheels for Joe? Maybe a baggie of Cheerios?
[Official #2 hands Biden a high-capacity assault Nerf rifle]
Biden: Well hot dog!
Obama: Okay, so what’s cracka-lackin’?
Official #1: Well, the State Department has uncovered some chatter among al Qaeda affiliates in the Arabian Peninsula, possibly Yemen.
Obama: A hotbed of Catholicism. Christians, man, I swear.
Official #2: The threats uncovered are very credible and very specific. The international community is on high alert.
Obama: That’s a great community, isn’t it? You know I was born in that community?
Official #1: Hawaii isn’t international.
Obama (winking): I know.
[Uncomfortably silent shuffling of feet by all in room]
Official #1: Well, sir, I think it’d be wise to shut down all our consulates and embassies in the Middle East, just to be safe.
[Nerf “bullet” hits Official #1 in head]
Obama: I, uh…I don’t know how much I like that, uh, idea. It will look really bad on me, don’t you think? I told the public that…y’know, the fight against terrorism is over.
Official #2: The terrorists didn’t get the memo, sir.
Hillary Clinton’s Spirit: Well what difference, at this point, does it make? They already made the threat; nothin’s gonna stop them.
Biden: Yeah, what’s the big f—-n’ deal?
Hillary: Besides, there are bigger fish to fry. Huma Abedin and Mr. Can’t Keep His Weiner In His Pants keep comparing their loveless, Godless marriage to mine and Bill’s, and I don’t need that kind of publicity right now as I gear up for 2016. Where is Bill, by the way? Bill? Bill! Hey, Bill, leave that stripper alone! She said no!
[Hillary Clinton’s Spirit floats]
Official #2 (looking over his eyeglasses): I beg pardon, sir?
Obama: What we need is infrastructure!
[Official #2 looks at Official #1, then back at Obama]
Official #1: Sir, I…really don’t…what?
Obama: Yeah, because, y’know, h-here’s the thing: have you seen the potholes out there? They’re enormous. Kids fall into them all the time and…nobody ever finds them. And bridges are collapsing left and right. You can’t go two minutes in this country without…y’know, finding yourself on a bridge that’s falling apart right, uh…right beneath your feet.
Official #1: Sir, al Qaeda–
Obama: I’m getting there, dawg. See, I’m the anti-war president, remember? Now imagine how bad it would look on me if we sent over a bunch of fighter jets. No, I–what needs to be done is…y’know, we gotta build a bridge across the, uh…the Atlantic Ocean; and walk there as peaceably as possible, with an extended open hand. But before we invest in Atlantic infrastructure, we’ll first have to invest in our own, otherwise it’ll look bad on me. So once we infrastructure here, we can infrastructure over there, and while you guys walk over there, I’ll, uh…I’ll take Air Force One. I’m the President, after all.
Biden: I wanna go on the plane I wanna go on the plane I wanna go on the plane!
Official #2: Mr. President, there is no logic in anything you just said, and I’m utterly flabbergasted, just mind-boggled, that you still have this job.