Come On, North Korea, We Dare You

It is an example either of one of history’s most pathetic and embarrassing regimes or one of its most genius that North Korea’s Supreme Shrimp Kim Jong-un keeps threatening to launch a nuke at their Southern neighbors and then consistently failing to follow through with it.

The whole world was warned on Tuesday by North Korean TV that a missile would be launched “tomorrow,” Wednesday. “Foreigners” in South Korea were urged by NK to leave the country if they did not wish to become a radioactive dribbling of flesh on the cement facets of buildings. The missile didn’t come, however—surprise, surprise—a fact at which, regardless of how seriously one takes Li’l Kim’s threats, it’s hard not to laugh.

Testimony to how big a joke the world believes North Korea to be is the fact that everybody knows they have nuclear weapons, and yet all of 12 people are actually scared. Everybody else takes great pleasure in mocking the runty punk with the fade haircut, not taking seriously a single thing he says.

But what if that’s exactly Kim Jong-un’s plan? What if he is deliberately breaking his promises of nuclear annihilation not because his military is actually incapable of putting a nuke on a missile, but because he wants everyone eventually to yawn when he makes these threats? What if he’s hoping to catch South Koreans off their guard, intentionally putting himself in the position of the Boy Who Cried Wolf so that the world, assuming each daily threat is just another bluff, stops paying attention so that he can finally strike?

Kim’s head certainly is fat enough to house such a calculating brain, don’t you think?

I’m no foreign-policy wonk or geopolitical guru; I’ve neither been around long enough to acquire such worldly knowledge nor been captivated enough by it to bother delving too far into the subject. Maybe this is foolish of me, but I really do want North Korea to launch a nuke. Oh, I want it so badly. Because I’m pretty sure that the moment the rockets flare up and take to the air, the whole scene will devolve into a Wyle E. Coyote cartoon. We may even hear, as the rocket boosters fail and the missile falls back down toward North Korea, the puny sound of air being let out of the stretched opening of a balloon.

Kim is a bully, and an inept one at that. It is always glorious to witness bullies being put in their place. How much more glorious it would be if the little boy and his despotic regime fell under the crushing nuclear blast of his own belligerence.