John Kerry: ‘Climate Refugees’ Coming Soon

I can only take John “I Served in Vietnam” Kerry in limited doses. Listening to him makes my sides hurt from all the laughing.

Kerry the ketchup gigolo was speaking to U.S. ambassadors at the Global Chiefs of Mission Conference in Washington yesterday, when he started thumping his copy of “An Inconvenient Truth” and swearing that conference attendees will be dealing with “climate refugees,” “if not now, in the not-too-distant future.”

(Why do I hear Humphrey Bogart when Kerry says that? “Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.” Apologies to Bogey and his fans.)

Yes, Kerry is once again on a “global climate change is the greatest threat we face” kick.

I would have thought the whole Iran nuclear thing might have pushed the weather down a few notches, but I’m clearly out of touch.

“I know a lot of people were sort of surprised,” Kerry said, “but President Obama and I could not agree more that this [climate change] is a threat to the planet itself. It is a national security threat, it is a health threat, it’s an environmental threat, it’s an economic threat.”

A threat to the planet itself?

I can only think of three things that have destroyed planets. In order of historical appearance, they are: whatever took out Krypton, Galactus and the Death Star.

All three of these things are fictional. Kerry wants to put climate change in the planetary threat category? It’ll fit right in, because that, too, is fictional.

National security threat?

Let’s review. Which of the following either possesses or aspires to possess the ability to kill millions of Americans in a split second? A) Russia, B) China, C) Iran, D) South Korea, E) climate change.

Health/environmental threat (since they’re kind of the same thing)?

Seems like warm weather is ideal for growing a lot of different kinds of vegetables like spinach, and the polar bears are still the role model for how to be an endangered species without becoming an endangered species.

Economic threat?

There Kerry is on to something, because wasting the trillions of dollars proposed by environmentalists to fight over the Earth’s thermostat would blow a serious hole through any economy.

But as is typical of warmistas, the fantasy just keeps flowing: “We’re spending billions upon billions,” Kerry said, “on the damages that occurred because of the increased level of major weather events around the world; droughts that are 500-year droughts, not 100-year droughts; places that have less and less water; food that is less produced where it used to be.”

Yeah, there are those hundreds of major droughts, going on in places like California, and … um … I think I read about someplace in Africa. Or maybe he’s referring to the snow that blanketed most of North America this past winter. Never before have we seen snow in winter, or in the United States for that matter.

And as everybody knows, snow can only happen when things get hot. You ever see a vendor selling snow cones in winter? Hmmm?

Similarly, there have never been droughts or food production problems before. Forget that Dust Bowl stuff you may have heard about at some point. That’s just Hollywood. Or John Steinbeck, if you’re one of those nerds who reads.

(There’s a weird thing about droughts and famines. Usually they coincide with really bad agricultural practices and lack of proper water management. I’m sure that’s just a fluke, though. It’s not like 80 percent of the planet’s surface is water or something.)

“There’ll be climate refugees that all of you will be coping with at some point—if not now, in the not-too-distant future,” Kerry said.

We already have climate refugees. They’re called illegal immigrants. Most of them are escaping the climate of crime-infested Third World desolation and trading up to the climate of U.S. government-subsidized housing, food stamps and Obama phones.

I guess he figures they’ll start coming in on surfboards.

But no global warming speech would be complete without a fallacious appeal to authority to make “deniers” realize what dinosaurs they are: “And the science? Ninety-seven percent of all the scientists for 20 years tell us unequivocally that this is happening, and happening now, and humans are causing it, and we have a responsibility to respond to it.”

Because the scientific consensus is there to protect you, just like it protected the world from Galileo.

I must know a lot of those 3 percenters, because among scientists I’ve talked to, the climate change belief at most runs about 50/50, and I have a hunch it may be much lower.

But don’t go thinking I’m a climate change denier. I absolutely agree we have to do something because climate change is one of the big threats to the planet today.

Right up there with Godzilla.

Definitely above Rodan.

Maybe slightly lower than Brainiac.

Way bigger than Walter White. (Sorry, Heisenberg. …)