Lightning Kills More Men Than Women; Feminists Livid

“Hey, hey, ho, ho, sexist lightning has got to go!”

So goes the feminist cry after a new study from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) found that lightning strikes in America kill almost six times more men than women. The gender gap has some feminists in a righteous fury.

The study looked at lightning-strike deaths from 1968 to 2010 and discovered that 85 percent of the deaths were male, 15 percent female. The CDC hasn’t yet found the reason for such a discrepancy, but feminist activists believe misogyny is behind lighting’s preference for male tail.

It’s hard to argue with them; not only because feminists won’t let you get a word in edgewise, but also because lightning bolts, accompanied by the testosterone of grumbling thunder, come across as being just so macho.

As one feminist explained, wishing to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, “Just look at lightning bolts, what do they look like, extending down from the sky like that? It’s time we ladies take a stand and take back nature!”

She is one activist of about two dozen others who are taking their message of gender equality to the streets—or, rather, to the mountains.

Rebecca Robinsyn and Bertha Goodmyn organized the group of women by posting a Craigslist ad for the New York area, which read, in part, “Let’s show lightning who’s boss! Come join us and thousands of other womyn just like you to march to the highest peak of Mount Marcy in the Adirondacks during our next major lightning storm to shout from the apex, ‘Enough is enough!’ Let’s just see the lightning try to ignore us then!”

One fellow, er, one co-protester suggested via email that they instead take their march to the top of the Empire State Building because she didn’t want to hike (“It’s not because I’m 265 pounds and don’t want to get muddy, of course; it’s just that hiking is so male”). But Ms. Robinsyn pointed out that that building, and indeed all skyscrapers, with their phallic resemblance, are symbols of the patriarchy.

Stopping at a gas station on the way to the mountain, the cashier, learning about their cause, not because he asked but because the obnoxious harpies couldn’t wait to tell him, suggested to them that perhaps lightning strikes more men because more men take stupid risks than women, to which Ms. Goodmyn replied, after a brief pause to contemplate, “I like that men-are-stupid angle, but it’s just too obvious that the problem is chauvinism in the sky.”

Goodspeed, babe.