No Brown Bags but ‘White Crackers’ are OK

Just when we thought we have seen or heard it all, the lefties surprise us. The recent declaration by Seattle city officials to consider a ban on a couple of perfectly harmless and reasonable words is predictably ridiculous. I guess it’s not surprising given the current tone in this country.

I’m sure it’s strictly coincidental that word-ban fever only leans one direction. White cracker, honkey, and teabagger are all still perfectly acceptable for whites. How do we know? Democrat Congressman Charlie Rangel described those in the Tea Party movement as “white crackers” and he’s still in office.

No doubt you’re aware that the words “citizen” and “brown bag” have been recently removed from Seattle residents’ vocabulary due to the historically offensive double meanings of said words.

The cease and desist order of the word “citizen” should be obvious considering the pandering by many in the political class to illegal aliens. Although I thought citizenship was the aspiration of all these “undocumented residents.” Isn’t that what Rubio, Ryan, and others have been telling us? Now we find out the word’s offensive? Go figure.

A “brown bag” is apparently offensive to blacks because of a practice called the “brown bag test” where a person held up a brown bag to gauge the blackness of another. I agree. That is offensive. What most of these Seattle lefties neglect to explain, assuming they know the truth, is the test was apparently conducted by light-skinned blacks to discriminate against those of darker skin, not white on black discrimination. That must be why the bag was developed; not to hold one’s lunch. And it’s brown due to racist bag producers. Not that a brown bag is a lot less expensive to produce than a white one.

More and more we are becoming a society of pansies. Oh, did that offend someone? Probably. Those on the left seem to have so much time on their collective hands that they can now sit around and look for ways to be offended. It’s as if they aren’t satisfied unless they are offended.

Well, there must be an answer to this growing lingual scourge, and I believe I’ve come up with the answer.

I recently saw that Google is going to attempt to develop a universal translator, inspired by the show and movies Star Trek. Someone speaks into the translator, and it translates their words into the desired language automatically.

I say they scrap the project in favor of a far more important one — the “Non-Offensive Language Translator.” Us crackers may simply spew our hate-filled rhetoric into the translator and voilà, outcomes the flowery politically correct speech of the left. Utopia!

I’ll bet David Howard, a DC mayoral aide wished he had one in 1999. He was a cracker, probably still is. During a budget meeting he used the term “niggardly,” which means stingy or miserly. Not bothering to ask the meaning or look it up, a black colleague lodged a race complaint and 10 days later white cracker Howard was history.

You might ask, when the meaning was explained to the black colleague why was the complaint not dropped? Unlike being pregnant, to the left, once a protected class is offended, that’s it. There is evidently no way to abort the offense, as it were.

I can hardly wait to see what words they “outlaw” next. Any guesses?