Abolish Adolescence

It’ll be happening soon. New regulations by the ever helpful USDA have made certain snack foods at schools illegal. These foods are illegal unless they are brought in by students, that is. Which means that it won’t be long before some enterprising students start dealing junk food at their school for a “healthy” profit.

This is just one of Obama’s many measures to ensure that our children slim down a pinch. And, of course, it won’t work. The problem is not that children don’t have access to nutritious food. It’s just easier for parents, and preferable for most kids, to eat processed food. Ready-made, already packaged junk.

And for most kids, the problem isn’t just what they eat anyway. It’s the fact that they don’t do any real work ever. Yeah, I said it. Work. People talk about kids getting plenty of exercise, by which they mean, play. Because we need to just let our kids stay kids for as long as possible, right?

It used to be that there were kids and adults. The concept of “teenager” didn’t come into widespread acceptance until the early twentieth century. And we’ve been slowly shifting the age of responsibility ever higher since then.

So childhood obesity makes a lot of sense. Do you know what our elementary school students look like? Toddlers. Babies. I have an eight month old boy who eats all the time and greedily. He’s got a couple chins and some thunderous thighs. Just beautiful and ridiculously cute. But what is super cute at eight months is almost disturbing at seven years of age. And this is what we’re seeing more and more.

And I don’t think the answer is outlawing junk food or vamping up our playtime schedules. No. If we’re going to make something illegal, it should be adolescence. Yep. Abolish Adolescence. That could be the first plank of a new political party.