After College Stabbing, We Need Knife Control! For the Children!

The Cy-Fair campus of Lone Star College in Texas was terrorized yesterday by a lone knifeman who went on a stabbing spree, knifing 14 students in the bloody process, all of whom, as of this writing, survived.

Radical right-wingers will probably spend the next three weeks trying to convince the rest of America that knives are not the problem in this country, but that the problem is actually some hocus-pocus about “evil” being in the hearts of certain individuals, and that it’s these individuals that need paying attention to rather than the knives themselves.

Republicans will probably talk about how it’s not law-abiding knife-wielders we need to worry about, but the criminals who would use knives for criminal purposes.

Baloney! The 21-year-old Stabby McStabberson was probably a right-winger himself, and he certainly was no criminal! He was a student, for Buddha’s sake! He followed the noble Democratic guideline of getting lobotomi—er, I mean, getting educated at a fine institute of higher learning. How can he be a criminal? Just because he broke multiple laws and attempted to murder the student body does not make him a criminal. Law-abiding citizens go through phases like that too!

Sorry, conservatards, but his man was no criminal, just misunderstood. He did dress all in black, but scrutinizing the mental stability of everybody wearing all black would be tantamount to racial profiling. And behavioral profiling is racist, too, so don’t get any ideas. Besides, when you ignore the stab-a-thon, he certainly didn’t give any behavioral indications of being psychotic.

The type of knife used by the stabber has not yet been exactly determined, but it was of the caliber of those used for dissections. An assault knife, quite simply.

I call on all Democrats—nay, all America-loving patriots who don’t want our children to die—to enact strict knife-control policies. Since we can’t be so insensitive as to dare notice the obvious signs of insanity in only some people, we must strip the rights of all people. It’s for our own protection. We can’t trust ourselves with assault knives, which, for the purposes of our agenda, will be defined simply as any cutting utensil that looks meaner than a butter knife. And when the black market for knives inevitably rises up so that only criminals will have knives, we can cross that bridge when we get to it. We’re Democrats, for crying out loud; we don’t worry about things like foresight!