Are You “Ready for Hillary”?

Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, “Ready for Hillary,” is already starting up, and it is ugly. Really ugly. It’s vaguely similar to Obama’s campaign, but with some crucial differences. Well, one main difference: it sucks.

One of the first things I noticed is that they’re trying to get the American people and the presidential wanna-be on a first-name basis. Remember “Barack the Vote.” “Ready for Hillary” is like that, but it will probably be even more exclusive. Clinton knows she will have to leverage the recognizability of her husband’s name without being tarnished by its scandal or eclipsed by its cult of personality (she didn’t get much personality, after all). So she will probably use her last name sparingly. This campain will be all about Hillary. Which is curious. There are in fact other national leaders who go by their first names. They’re called monarchs. Queen Hillary I? Scary.

They’re also rolling out a line of endorsed merchandise. This is really the worst part of her campaign. Oh my. Obama had that red and blue posterized look that ellicited vintage patriotism—both progressively hip and safely traditional at the same time. Say what you will, Obama’s campaign was brilliant (it had to be). Clinton’s campaign design? Not so much.

ready for hillary bag

It looks like they have chosen to over-expose and posterize a picture of her half smiling (in pitch black, of course); then they photoshopped her hair, neck, and the sides of her face out; then they put that disembodied smirk against a light grey background over the word “READY” in either blood red or blood pink. It’s actually creepy, as the closeness of black and grey make it seem like her face is pressing out from the background like a poltergeist bent on stealing the souls of your children. It’s Cheshire Cat (complete with actual madness) meets Stepford Wives meets awesomely incompetent graphic design. Whether intentionally or not, her “face” actually achieves maximum uncanniness in the uncanny valley between registering as a human and registering as a cyborg. It may actually be that the tin-foilers were right: After looking at this line of murky merc,  it’s hard for me to deny that Hillary Clinton might be a Reptilian Shape-Shifter. It’s really bad. Here’s what one writer said about the Hillary hand-bag:

Is it a haunted reusable bag from Whole Foods that accidentally swallowed a demon spirit in the Tanzanian coffee aisle? Don’t try to look at this unholy love child of a Madonna album cover and a yarn bag from hell. Once you do, its eyes will follow you everywhere you go. And there is no escape.

Then there’s that one word: “Ready.” Is that a warning (e.g., “Get Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse”)? Or is it supposed to be descriptive? At least in Obama’s case, his abstracted one-word slogan was offering something to the people. “Need hope? We’ll give it to you! Want change? Here ya go, pal!” Hillary’s slogan is actually expecting something from the voters. “Readiness? Yes, you’ll need to have that.” Or perhaps, she is saying that she is ready? Ready for what? That strikes me as ominous: “Remember Obama? He was just a fore-runner preparing things until I was ready to fulfill my diabolical mission. He was playing Evil John the Baptist to my true Anti-Christ Messiah.”

What’s hilarious is that the slogan works both for people that love her and for people that hate her. On one hand, it means:

“We’ve already elected a black man. Twice. So that’s checked off the list, and we’re ready now to elect a woman. The country is ready now for the next step. I’m ready to continue Obama’s agenda.”

For opponents, it runs more like this:

“Get ready for a complete collapse of the country. Stockpile guns, ammo, gold, gasoline, water, and canned food. If Hillary’s elected, you better be ready. Or you’re toast. Because it’s all going down.”

One way or the other, “Ready for Hillary” already feels like it is faltering. If we cannot beat her in 2016, I don’t know if there’s anyone we could beat. At that point, I would recommend we just quit the game. This is a golden opportunity for us to get the candidate we need. We’ve blown these opportunities in the past by going with middle-of-the-road humdrumming establishment clowns. We can’t make that mistake in 2016. Are you ready? [Groan]