Armed Woman To Burglar: “Put Your Face in the Dirt!”

This is one of those stories that make me whoop like a high-school varsity tool, just as any story would that involves a woman, empowered by a gun, commanding a burglar to put his face in the dirt or else lose his face entirely.

Such is the type of woman who feminists in decades gone by would draft as the poster child of their movement of independence and strength and equal protection under the law. Since feminism has been mutated into only a means to a Marxist society, however, and private gun ownership hinders that mutation, such a woman is no longer eligible to be the National Organization for Women’s Role Model of the Year (if such an annually bestowed title exists; I’m not sure because I don’t care about NOW).

Betty Collins had received an early-morning phone call from her boyfriend on his way to work, warning her to be wary of a suspicious-looking shirtless man in the neighborhood. Shortly before 5 a.m., a shirtless man began kicking Collins’ front door. She rushed downstairs towards the action instead of staying upstairs and cowering under the sheets. What gave her this courage?

A freakin’ gun, man, that’s what! Ba-BAM!

So she rushes to the front door and shouts through it as loud as she can, “Get off my porch! I have a gun! I will shoot you!”

Know what the knucklehead did then? Well, apparently he thought she was bluffing and that he had nothing to fear, because he stayed right there at the front door.

She repeated her warning one final time. When he still wouldn’t leave, Collins threw open the door and, as she so beautifully put it, “there he was, standing five inches from the barrel of a loaded .357.”

If you’re a liberal, this is where your mind explodes. If you’re a conservative, you understand it completely and you know exactly what comes next: Betty can now exert her power over the man who tried to take away her sanctuary. So that’s exactly what she (awesomely) did.

Collins told the young man, 31-year-old Kyle Caldwell, to get on the ground. So he got on his knees. (And here I like to imagine he temporarily lost bladder control and piddled a bit.)

“No,” she said, “put your face in the dirt, and you’re gonna stay there!” Because the man had more understanding than most liberals that guns give the wielder the upper hand, he did exactly as she commanded him.

Betty Collins is alive because, plain and simple, the punk was afraid of the gun.

Liberals: Weeping into their chai tea lattes that the would-be burglar didn’t grab the gun from her and shoot her, which surely would have been beneficial to their argument that women, when overwhelmed by fear, are too incompetent to handle guns.

Gun-rights advocates: Happy that their persistent activism kept this woman alive.