Harris-Perry’s Daughter Is My Daughter Too

I was not aware that I was the father of an 11-year-old girl until MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry displayed the merits of the sociology degree I have no doubt she possesses and informed America that everybody’s child belongs to the community and not to the parents of that child.

“We haven’t had a very collective notion of ‘these are our children,'” philosophized Harris-Perry in one of MSNBC’s masturbatory “Lean Forward” TV spots. “So part of it is we have to break through our kind of private idea that kids belong to their parents, or kids belong to their families, and recognize that kids belong to whole communities.”

In a nutshell, I am the proud father of Parker Lacewell, the daughter of Melissa Harris-Perry. [Public information.]

It came as a surprise to me, of course, for I am not yet married, nor am I sexually active–and I certainly wasn’t sexually active 11 years ago at the age of 14; my parents weren’t Democrats. Because I was only just made aware of my offspring’s existence, naturally I haven’t been paying child support, and I have to say, I don’t appreciate being made an unwilling deadbeat dad by Harris-Perry. If she had just told me 11 years ago that her daughter was mine as well, I would have done my best to help raise the little tyke. It saddens me; I always intended to be a better father than mine was, and Harris-Perry has rendered me a failure in that regard.

My daughter was born in 2002, according to the Internet. What a great shame that I only know my daughter’s birthday because of a simple Internet search. And not even the date of her birth, but only the year!

I don’t even know what race my daughter is. Harris-Perry is Mulatto, like Obama, but, also like Obama, she prefers not to acknowledge her white half, saying once, “I’ve never thought of myself as biracial. I’m black.” So what race was my daughter’s co-father?

And who knows what religion my daughter has been raised under? Harris-Perry’s mother was a Mormon at one point, but then converted to Unitarianism, which is the religion Harris-Perry now subscribes to. Unitarians are the ones who teach that if you believe something is true, then it is true. Which perhaps explains why Harris-Perry is comfortable to dismiss half her bloodline and declare that she is black, plain and simple. If she believes it, it is true, biology be damned.

Starting today, I am going to make it my goal to get to know my daughter Parker. But first I have to ask Harris-Perry what school she sends our kid to so that I know where to pick her up and start what I hope will be a beautiful father-daughter relationship. Hopefully she hasn’t had her head filled with too much from the Communist Manifesto with which her mother is so familiar and to which she so obviously adheres.


All of the above is entirely sarcastic. But if it is creepy to contemplate claiming parental rights over someone else’s child, then claiming “public” ownership of other people’s children is also creepy because it is the same principle–violating the unique bond between parent and child.