Jihawg Ammo: Putting the “Ham” in Muhammad

For years, my pastor used to recommend that we dip our ammo in pig’s blood and tell Muslim terrorists we were doing it. He said this would end the Muslim jihad against us overnight. Pork is “haraam” to Muslims, meaning it is sinful—unclean. According to my pastor, if you eat or even touch pork as a Muslim, you cannot enter paradise until you are cleansed. Haraam should not be confused with “harem” which is what all the jihadists think they will be getting when they get to heaven. That’s going to be one nasty surprise.

Anyway, so my pastor recommended that we dip all our ammo in pig’s blood and let all the jihadists know what we were doing. If we shot them during a terrorist attack, they would be barred from paradise even though they had died in jihad. Apparently, Allah’s arbitrary sense of retribution trumps his obligation to reward. “Sorry, pal. No seventy brown-eyed virgins. And, to add insult to injury, you could have been eating bacon this whole time. Bummer.”

Well, have no fear intrepid patriots. A company in Idaho—South Fork Industries—is doing just that. Called “jihawg ammo,” their pork-laced munitions are guaranteed to contaminate even the most devout Muslim in death so that his cruel god will not be able to accept his riddled corpse into the promised den of chauvinist debauchery. One of their slogans is “Put some HAM in MuHAMmad.” No, I can’t take credit for that one. If you’re interested in buying some jihawg ammo, you can find out more here.

As an aside, I don’t think the Quran actually penalizes someone for coming in contact with pork, only for consuming it. But, hey, if we can get the Muslims to believe our interpretation of their “holy” book, we should be golden, right? Oh, and I just had a thought: If the bullet hits their bloodstream, wouldn’t that kind of be like consuming pork? I don’t know. If I were a Muslim jihadist, I would definitely not risk a chance at Paradise on a technicality.

And this is why legalistic religions are so ridiculous.