Mrs. O’s Rap: Beat Your Hoes, Eat Your Veggies

The majority of rap music, to the extent that muttering unintelligible profanities to a computer-generated drum pattern can be considered music, is written and recorded by low-IQ individuals for the listening pleasure of other low-IQ individuals, usually criminals in the former case and delinquents in the later.

Michelle Obama, the Mother of America with an evident prejudice against fatties, is venturing into the world of rap, no doubt figuring that such an uneducated listener base will be most susceptible to the message she wishes to spread through the album, which she is co-producing (which probably means taxpayers are co-producing it). That message is, Eat healthy and exercise so you won’t be fat, because if you’re fat, the government will have to spend more money on you since it has nosed its way into the healthcare industry.

“So many kids listen to hip-hop,” said White House assistant chef Sam Kass, “so why not give these messages to kids in a way that’s not preachy.”

No, there’s nothing preachy about preaching to other people’s kids that their parents are feeding them wrong.

One of the tracks on the forthcoming album is titled “U R What You Eat,” appealing to the fad of cool illiteracy among hip-hop’s base of listeners.

Another track is “We Like Vegetables.” I received a snippet of lines from that song. They go like this:

You think eatin’s a game, son?
You think snacks is meant to be fun?
You don’t eat them broccolis I’ma go grab my gun.
Ain’t nobody gon’ stop us
From eatin’ our to-mah-tas.
Beat a cracka wit a cucumber till he look like burnt umber,
And his b**ch I choke while my n**gas eat an artichoke.
Now repeat afta me: We like vegetables!
(We like vegetables!)
We like vegetables!
(We like vegetables!)
Ain’t nobody gon’ stop us
From eatin’ our to-mah-tas.
We like our mothaf****n’ veggies, son.
Unh, we like our mothaf****n’ veggies, son.

I smell a Grammy. Or is that collard greens?

“So many kids love hip-hop,” said Kass. “It’s such a core part of our culture. Particularly in the African-American community and the Latino community….”

What a great contribution those communities have bestowed upon American society, made all the more virtuous by the addition of Mrs. Obama’s message: Beat your hoes, eat your veggies.