Our Economy Has Gone Supermodel

America has an obesity problem. Blame processed foods or a sedentary lifestyle. But, thankfully, our civil government is doing what it can to make sure we’re slimming down in at least one area: our economy. Democrats are latching on to a recent declaration from Paul Ashworth of Capital Economics that our recent shrinkage in GDP is “the best-looking contraction you’ll ever see.”

The best-looking contraction I ever saw was “don’t.” As in, “Don’t vote for idiots.” Too late. Anyway,  we must be really hard up for good news if we’re talking about the relative prettiness of another economic downturn. Since America’s model for economic growth has become so dependent on the ever unstable commodity, “consumer confidence,” it makes sense that officials would do everything they can to paint our current economic situation in the best light. They don’t want people saving their money for necessities or anything. But I think they could do more to boost consumer confidence. So, I’ve developed a few options for the spin doctors if the economic situation worsens.

If they have to start throwing around the word “recession,” maybe they should also start an ad campaign to change popular perspectives on what “recession” means:

You’ve heard the word recession applied to our economy. But receding hairlines can be a good thing. That’s right. Bald is sexy! Our economy is just becoming more like Patrick Stewart, Bruce Willis, or Vin Diesel. America’s Economy: The World’s Classiest Action Hero!


You’ve heard the water levels in the world are rising because of global warming? Wouldn’t it be nice if the water levels were in recession? Well, you know what is in recession? Our economy! America’s fiscal beach is getting huge! America’s Economy: Averting the Global Apocalypse One Contraction at a Time.

Then if it gets even worse, and they start having to use the word “depression,” they could begin another ad campaign:

Ever heard of Edgar Allen Poe, Emily Dickinson, Shakespearean tragedy? They’re really depressing! And do you know what else is depressing? Our economy! But that’s good! America’s Economy: The World’s Most Cathartic Soul-Enriching Drama.

It’s amazing to me what some people will receive as “good” news just to avoid dealing with reality. Anyway, if you see our waifishly thin anorexic economy, would you give her a cheeseburger for me? Tell her most of us prefer a more Rubenesque economy.