Top Ten Reasons I Skipped the SOTU Address

Ten good reasons I could have used to justify missing the State of the Union address:

  1. I was eating at the time, and I wanted to keep my food down.
  2. When I turned on the TV, Triumph of the Will was playing, and Obama was already finished before I realized I hadn’t been watching him all along.
  3. If I wanted to cry really hard, I’d hit myself on the toe with a hammer.
  4. If I wanted to laugh really hard, I’d watch that drunk animals video on YouTube again.
  5. Just because someone wrecked a car doesn’t mean he’s the most qualified person to assess its damages.
  6. My friends will tell me everything important from it. Which means they’ll never mention it.
  7. Because I’d rather just get this over with since I don’t have a choice. I don’t really care to hear the rapist monologuing beforehand.
  8. I left my doublespeak dictionary at work. It’s the Ambrose Bierce edition, of course.
  9. Because I already know what he said—“The state of the union is strong!”
  10. Because I already know that’s not true.
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